Oh yeah… happy holidays!

Vain
You love the smell of your own farts.

Amiable
You love the smell of other people’s farts.

Proud
You think your farts are exceptionally fine.

Shy
You release silent farts and then blush.

Impudent
You boldly fart out loud and then laugh.

Anti-Social
When the need arises, you excuse yourself from the room and fart in private.

Strategic
You fart and then conceal it with loud coughing.

Sadistic
You fart in bed and then pull the cover up over your partner’s head.

Intellectual
You can determine from the smell of any fart exactly what food item had been consumed.

Athletic
You fart at the slightest exertion.

Miserable
You would love to let one out, but you are unable to fart.

Sensitive
You fart and then start crying.

Unfortunate
You try really hard to fart, but you follow through as well.

Scientific
You fart regularly but you’re concerned about pollution.

Nervous
You stop in the middle of your fart.

Honest
You admit that you farted but offer good medical reasons.

Dishonest
You fart and then blame the dog.

Foolish
You suppress your farts for hours.

Thrifty
You always keep a couple of good farts in reserve.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease; it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”

He answered, “That’s okay.”

“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out ‘Good bye, Mom’ as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.”

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries. “That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.

“How come so much … I only bought 5 items…”

The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.”

Don’t trust little old ladies!!!

The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn’t have done it “because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time”. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

Portsmouth, R.I. police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson’s motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw which was not plugged in.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I’m lost! And need directions!”